Downside: I am not pregnant. Obvious disappointment.
Upside: I ovulated. And that means that the new medicine (Metformin) did its job. (Or my body did it on its own; also good.)
So I guess that's progress. It gives me something to work with at least. Now back to the charts, calendars, etc. An observant United Methodist might be chuckling about now because you know what's going on in about 2 weeks. Don't worry; we'll make it work. We don't really need to go to all of those meetings. ;)
We are now beginning month ten of "trying," which is such an unfortunate term. I guess that means that we have now "failed" nine times in a row. John and I don't like to fail. And we want a baby. The earliest possible due date is now early March. That seems like a really, really long way off. There's still a good chance this kiddo would make an early appearance as well, though.
I like to plan. I like to schedule. I like to organize (our lives, not our stuff). Infertility is inconvenient. And it's sad. And it's frustrating. And it's maddening.
But this time around (even though it is taking significantly longer than it did with Becca), it doesn't feel tragic to me. Yes, it hurts every time I hear about one of the millions and billions of pregnant women that I know. Seriously, I have close to 1,000 facebook friends, and I think a full 900 of them are pregnant right now. Of course I am terribly happy for my friends, I really am, but there is a sting and often some tears.
Here's the thing, though: I am a mom. I have been blessed with the most amazing, beautiful, fantastic, strong and hilarious girl that I have ever met, and she's my daughter! My little girl! True, I know our family is not complete. True, I want another child desperately. But in the meantime, I get to snuggle, wrestle and parent Becca Hill. How lucky am I? Seriously, could I ask for more?
Well, yeah, I can ask, and I do. My heart aches for another little one (preferably not an itty bitty one, though!). But my heart is also bursting with joy and pride because
I am a mother.
We are experiencing secondary infertility; that is, we are having trouble conceiving another child, not our first child. I have several friends dealing with infertility currently, and many of you readers have dealt with it in the past. It's an odd sorority, but we women stand with each other in this sort of ordeal. But I think that my pain is different than the pain of mothers-in-waiting who don't have a child already. I remember the sheer terror I experienced. What if I'm never a mother? Sure that's not the only goal I had in my life, but it's the one I cared the most about, hands down. And now I am. So I am happy. And I realize just how lucky and blessed I am.
For now, John and I are planning on pursuing the same plan of care, as the docs say. We'll give it some more time, get this move behind us, and get settled in before we change anything. Adoption is in the back of my mind, but I am well aware of the enormous emotion and financial investment required by any kind of adoption. We'll see.
I want to say something to any women reading this post who are currently dealing with primary infertility. But I don't know what it is. I guess I want you to know that I haven't forgotten your struggle. I want you to know that when I talk about our struggles with infertility, in the same breath, I am counting my blessings. I want to say, "Hang in there. It's so worth it." I don't really know what I want to say...maybe that, tonight, I'm thinking about you and tossing a prayer up to the matriarchs of my faith who longed for children of their own thousands of years ago. You are not alone. And if you feel like you are, check out Genesis 30. My favorite verse is is verse 22:
"Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb."
May God remember each of us...and SOON!