Weigh in

Um, I just weighed Becca (in the non-scientific manner - me holding her on the scale minus just me on the scale), and it looks like she's a hefty, hefty, hefty 7 pounds, 5 ounces.  Wow!

Status Line

Many of you know that I am a facebook addict.  My favorite feature on facebook is the status line.  Each person can have one status line on their profile at a time, and you can read all of your friends' statuses on one page and comment on them.  They can be updated as frequently as you like, by default they start with your name and "is" (though you can drop the "is").  They range from anything like the syrupy-sweet-look-at-what-a-good-Christian-I-am "Janie is just so thrilled to be singing songs to her boyfriend, Jesus," to one of my favorites, the simple and yet descriptive, "Nancy has to pee."  They are fun because they are a snapshot into your friends' lives - or into what little (or big) facet of it he or she chooses to share. 

I've been known to update my status line a lot.  (Kind of a flashback to the old Learnlink days...ah, Learnlink...)  Some of my best friends say that I have no internal monologue; that is, my "internal" monologue is all processed externally.  Hence the proliferation of status lines.  However, I hold that I do have quite a bit of internal monologue; it's just that my mind doesn't stay still long enough to sort through it all without saying some of it out loud.  (Um, I think that might be the definition of an extrovert with ADD.)  But the point is, there is always, much to my dismay, more going on in my mind than even my jumbled ex/internal monologue - or my status lines - can hold. 

All of that is to say that every night when I go to bed (finally), my mind reels with potential status lines that describe my day and/or my present state of mind.  Sometimes I'm tempted to get out of bed just to update my status line - with several lines at a time.  Like I said, I'm an addict.  However, so far I have managed to stay in bed and sort through them all in my nest of pillows.  But last night it occurred to me that all those lost status lines might make a good blog entry that would, as I said, give you a glimpse into life at home with Becca - and my crazy mind in the midst of it all.  I'm sure there will be sequel entries of this sort, but to start, here are a few of the potential status lines that have drifted in - and out - of my scattered days.

Nancy had no idea that taking a shower was such a privilege.

Nancy appreciated that shower this afternoon but really thought that Becca would have more than 30 minutes of sleep left in her.

Nancy refuses to move the new glider out of the den even though it is in the middle of the floor.  It's so damn comfy!

Nancy walked out to the mailbox in the rain with a broken umbrella, simply to get out of the house for the first time in 2 days, and found only junk mail at the end of the rainbow.

Nancy occasionally remembers that a) her baby survived and b) we elected Barack Obama and is overwhelmed with joy.  Granted, one makes her happier than the other, but both are monumental.

Nancy takes immense joy in decorating her daughter for Christmas.

Nancy is really, really liking this whole Santa gig.  Good thing Becca can't leave the house, or we'd be in major Target debt.

Nancy is quite impressed with Becca's chunky monkey thunderthighs.  We've had to move her out of the newborn diapers just to accommodate them.

Nancy laughs at the "size 1" diapers that creep up darn near Becca's armpits.

Nancy, occasionally, believes that she might just be Superwoman enough to make it all happen.

Nancy is neither the mother, the wife, nor the minister she had hoped she would be.

Nancy counts down the days until she can introduce Becca to all her cousins - especially her very new cousin, Miss Lucy Kate Speas!

Nancy compulsively plans vacations for the non-RSV season.  May - September, here I come!

Nancy really feels Michelle Obama on the whole work/family balance thing.

Nancy wishes the dogs would learn to tell time and not ask for dinner until AFTER 5 p.m.

Nancy is ready to get Becca started on that whole potty training thing.

Nancy is looking for a few good babysitters for Sunday mornings.

Nancy is anxious to try to the whole pregnancy thing again to see if she can get it right this time.

Nancy is not anxious for another baby.

Nancy moves from the living room to the den for a change of scenery.

Nancy contemplates.

Nancy finds something quite satisfying in doing laundry and mixing Becca's milk.  Two of the few chores that have something to show for them at their completion.

Nancy dreads the conversation about dinner.

Nancy wishes desperately that there were a Chick-fil-a in Bethpage.

Nancy very much appreciates her husband bringing her Chick-fil-a from his big trip into Hermitage.

Nancy's dreams change as frequently as her pajama pants.

Nancy loves that she could, essentially, stay in pajamas for 6 days straight.

Nancy is proud of Becca's developmental assessment scores (more on this after we meet with our TEIS coordinator on Friday). 

Nancy does not understand why the doctors want Becca to "catch up" size-wise.  In 10 years, she'll be feeling the pressure to downsize.  Can't we just let her be for now?

Nancy does not miss driving to the hospital, but she misses the hospital.

Nancy does not -at all - miss not living with her baby, but she misses her nurses.

Nancy eagerly awaits packages and is very, very thankful for the invention of the internet and the resulting ease of shopping and entertainment.

Nancy just heard her husband pull into the driveway.  Time for the dreaded conversation about dinner!

That ought to be enough for now!  :)

One more - Nancy finds it ironic that her blog's spellchecker doesn't recognize "blog" or "internet"!

Yeah...

Lots of eloquent thoughts on miracles, Thanksgiving, and Christmas to come.  For now, though, just this:

My baby smiles at me.  Hot damn, that's great!  I tend to smile back.

Also in Becca news:  she has developed "The Becca Noise." (Each member of our family has a noise.  Perhaps someday I'll share the others.)  When holding her paci in her mouth, she babbles, saying, "waggawaggawaggawaggawaggawoooooo."  I like it. 

I had to pack up most of the preemie clothes yesterday.  There are a few things left out, several that I need her to wear one last time, but we're moving into the newborn clothes (which is good, because I never did find Christmas outfits in preemie sizes).  Not quite ready for the 0-3 months, but out of the preemies.  The amazing thing is that it's mostly the length that has become a problem.  She's 18 inches, 6.5 pounds now - like a newborn, only 5 months older.  And cuter.

Never did tell you about the endocrinologist - nice guy, not sure if her hypothyroidism will be chronic or not, adjusting her meds, and will recheck after Christmas and possibly decide to readjust, depending on her levels.  Didn't learn much about the vision issues associated with septo-optic dysplasia.  I'll likely call the pediatric ophthamologists and, um, politely request that they see her earlier than the spring visit she has scheduled and tell us what in the world we may be looking at (no pun intended, but I kind of like it). 

Starting work again.  Conflicted about this.  Not sure how to do it all: full-time childcare (though with an extremely helpful husband/father) and "part-time" youth ministry.  We'll see.  One week at a time.  Speaking of, if you want to wrap presents at the Christmas Bazaar on Saturday, e-mail me at nancyhillbumc@gmx.com.  You know you want to!

Really, that's all I've got.  Very tired and achey.  But congrats to Narcie (who is surely more tired and achey than I) and Mike on the birth of adorable Evangeline Grace!  And because I love you and would like you to smile, here's the Santa Becca picture. 

Chubby Bunny

Hello, friends!

We just got back from the pediatrician, and Becca is doing great!  She must have listened all those times Heather told her to "think chubby," because she's over 6 pounds now!  Wow!  She is 17.75 inches as well.  She's now as big as a small newborn - at 5 months old!  ;)  I've dropped her down to the 26-calorie recipe (breastmilk + preemie formula), and she's slightly less miserable (she was really gassy before, to the point that she was crying nearly the entire time she was awake - miserable for all of us!) but still growing well.  She's doing pretty well at night.  Our pediatrician (Dr. JoAnn Cook Collins, who is fabulous!) has given us permission to let her (Becca, that is) sleep at night (instead of waking her every 4 hours to feed), and she's slept up to 6 hours at once.  She usually still wakes up between 4.5 and 5 hours.  Still, that's not too bad.  And it would be downright good if wasn't an insomniac!  I'm having trouble sleeping even when she is O-U-T.  Except in the mornings.  This morning John let me sleep until 11, which was awesome.  Clearly, I'm supposed to be nocturnal.  John has gone back to work, so we're trying to figure out the best way to make it all happen.  I still have a couple of weeks before returning to Sunday nights with the youth and then another few weeks before resuming all my work responsibilities.  Then the real juggling act will begin, since we will be doing the childcare ourselves, while working.  I'm not sure how it's all going to work right now, but I don't have to know yet, I guess.  I'd love to chat with some of you moms who have recently had to make the transition back into the working world.  It's a little overwhelming to think about - and I'm only working part-time ("part-time" church work...riiiight...).

Aaaaaaanyway....we go back to Vandy tomorrow for two appointments.  In the morning, we'll see the anesthesiologists, who just want to check her out and get to know her history a little better before her surgery in January.  In the afternoon, we'll have our first visit with the endocrinologists, who will follow her the rest of her life.  I mean, these particular pediatric endocrinologists won't follow her forever, but since her hypothyroidism appears to be chronic, she will have to be followed by endocrinology throughout her life.  It seems to be a pretty easy condition to manage, but if it's not managed well, it can cause serious problems, so I'm excited to meet the docs tomorrow.  We'll also get to talk with them some about her other chronic issue, one that I don't think I've mentioned here yet. 

Just before Becca came home, we finally (after several months of suspicions) got a ?definitive? diagnosis from her MRI.  Becca has what is called septo-optic dysplasia.  Basically, she's missing a part of her brain, which results in a rare syndrome.  It can manifest itself in 3 typical ways: in endocrine issues, in visual impairment or blindness, and/or in mental retardation or some degree of neurological impairment.  She could have all three problems or just one (or two or none, but we know she's got the endocrine issues, so that's at least one).  As I said, she's got chronic hypothyroidism and her pituitary gland shows some abnormalities.  We're pretty confident that she has fairly high mental function, as she seems to be developmentally on track based on her corrected age (though, of course, it's really far too early to tell).  Besides, just the fact that she did so well physically is an indication that her brain is in pretty good shape as it, of course, holds all the physical functions together.  Right now, she's done well on her vision test, but they have been looking specifically for vascularization (because oxygen therapy can interfere with the eye development) and not for optic nerve displaysia ("displaysia," by the way, just means that something is malformed).  Very early on the ophthalmologists tried to look at her optic nerves, and what they saw looked good, but it was really too early to see.  She's definitely seeing now, as she is VERY into studying her environment (especially anything that moves - she LOVES the ceiling fans) and tracks toys, etc.  Unfortunately, though, the blindness can develop anytime in the first 8 months (and it's not clear whether that's 8 months corrected or chronological).  When I think about it, I get pretty nervous.  It's just so hard to function in our society blind.  So much of our functioning and independence relies on sight.  But, I also know Becca and know that she's up for just about any challenge ahead of her.  She's a tough cookie.  I would rather spare her this particular challenge, though.  She has some symptoms (her eyes shake involuntarily occasionally), but hopefully these are just remnants of her prematurity that she will grow out of.  We do have a regular preemie follow-up appointment scheduled with ophthalmology early next year, but depending on what the endocrinologists think tomorrow, we may try to move that appointment up.  (Apparently, your endocrine system affects, oh, everything in your body, so they are the ones to talk to about these rare conditions.  Dr. Collins called them "the smartest doctors in the hospital" because they have to know about, um, everything.)

We'll let you know how things go tomorrow.  In the meantime, enjoy these pictures from Becca's fancy dress photo shoot!  Also - Becca finding her thumb and pics with her boyfriend Hunter Snow - who was born 2 days after Becca's due date!  Wow!

Oh - Becca's blowing bubbles and smiling occasionally now.  So cute.  She smiles most often when sleeping and eating - that's my girl!  :)

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Livin' the Dream!

Hi, guys!

I'll have to give a more full update later, but I wanted to jump on here really quickly and say that we are settled into a routine, getting several hours of sleep a night, and doing great!  We go back to the pediatrician tomorrow, so I'll have growth stats for you then.

Becca's a fun - and stinky! - girl!

Life together

Name that theologian!  The rest of you, just nod and smile at those crazy seminarians.

Alright, we've been home a week now and may be getting the hang of it.  As much as we were anticipating her arrival, it's still a bit (or very, at times) overwhelming to have a newborn in the house.  (Chronologically she's 4 months, but development-wise, she's 6 weeks - so that's pretty stinkin' newborn.)  We had four blissful days as Nana Dana took care of the three of us, but as of Sunday, we were on our own.  Here-a we go!

Generally, I think we are doing well.  Generally, Becca sleeps more at night than during the day.  Generally, John and I are sharing responsibilities well.  Generally, the house is not yet falling apart.  Occasionally, though, I feel like we're never going to get it together, that Becca hates me, that I never should have been a mother, and that I will be tired for the rest of my life.  When I have a clear mind (and a few hours sleep), though, I can logically tell you that only one of these statements is true.  (I'm banking on the last one.)  I am choosing not to think about how we are going to make it work when we go back to work because we still have a couple of weeks with us both on leave.  I figure by the time we have to add our professions back in, we'll be ready (or at least readier (which is a word, by the way, when one is running on 3 hours sleep)) by then.  Though I certainly would not have chosen this route, I do appreciate the fact that I am no longer recovering from major surgery as I adjust to having a newborn around. 

Since I am in the habit of putting it all out there (I know, that's putting it lightly with some of you), I'll go ahead and note that as someone with a history of depression who has just gone through major life transition (in addition to the whole baby in the NICU thing) and is facing a looong winter hibernating in the house with the little one, I am, you could say, at high-risk for some post-partum issues.  My "hormon-es" ought to have balanced out some (but not totally b/c I'm still breastfeeding (via the pump)), but apparently it's not just about women's crazy bodies.  One good thing about having dealt with depression for several years, though, is that I know myself and my signs very well...the key will just be finding ways to tend to them while still protecting Sweet Becca from the germs out there in the big wide world.  But all of life is a balancing act, so I guess it will be good practice.  And practice I will...with the Zoloft bottle in hand!  :) 

Okay, I've got to tell you how cute Buster is right now, examining the baby monitor, sniffing it, cocking his head back and forth, trying to figure out how the baby got in that little plastic thing.  He hears her, but he can't find her...and he's not a bright boy, so it's awfully cute.

Um, this post is totally disjointed.  Again, note the lack of sleep.

So, back to life together.  Like I said, Becca usually sleeps pretty well at night.  John and I take shifts, so I've got 10pm-3am, and he's got 3am-whenever he decides to wake me up, which is not to be earlier than 8am.  Often, though, he lets me sleep in some.  He knows I value sleep very, very highly.  Mmmmm...sleep...

We sleep more when Becca is well-fed.  At the hospital, they usually calculate the amount of milk she got at each feeding based on her weight.  According to those calculations, she needed to eat between 37 and 39 cc's (or ml's) every three hours.  She had gotten a reputation as a fussy baby (yes, sweet Becca), and her primary nurse practitioner (who has a GREAT name, if I do say so myself) decided to go ahead and let her go ad lib on her feeds.  And she went to town.  Now that she can eat as much as she wants, she's averaging 60 cc's every 3 hours during the day and every 4 hours at night.  She's a little piggy!  If it were all left to her, she might actually go longer at night, but our pediatrician wants us to wake her up to feed her, at least until she hits 6 pounds.

Six pounds...sounds huge, right?  When we left the hospital, she had hit 4.10.  By Friday (our first pediatrician appointment - 2 days after discharge!), she was 4.12.  Today, at the surgeon's office (more on that in a moment), she was 5 pounds, 1 ounce.  Wow.  She's huge!  She'll soon actually grow out of some of her preemie clothes.  Crazy!

So, we met Becca's surgeon today.  Yes, her surgeon.  A couple of months ago, we noticed that she had a lump in her groin (mom's sharp eyes!), which turned out to be an inguinal hernia.  We hadn't thought much of it (as it was quite low on her list of diagnoses), but it's going to need to be repaired surgically, probably in early January.  It's not a major surgery, but, of course, I wish she didn't have to be put under and cut on.  I shook the hand that will cut my baby's skin.  Sad.  It will be Dr. Morgan, and he seemed great, so I'm not really worried about it (yet). 

We also went to the audiologist today.  This was a big appointment.  Becca failed the standard newborn hearing screen in both ears not once, but twice.  She's certainly at high risk for hearing loss (based on her birth weight, her large quantities of antiobiotics early one, and her hyperbilirubemia - yeah, you're impressed with that word, I know), and even though she seemed to follow voices early on, she seems to have stopped.  Now, John and I agree that of all the complications for her to come through this experience with, deafness would be one of the ones we would be pretty okay with.  After all, one of my favorite people in the world (and Becca's future mother-in-law) is 90% (?) deaf.  But we were ready to know.  The long, in-depth test they performed this morning requires that the babies be asleep, so they asked us to bring her in hungry and tired. That was not a fun ride in to Vandy.  She did, however, fall (and stay!) asleep after her bottle in the office, though, so they were able to get a good reading.  As of now, she's got mild to moderate hearing loss, but since her eardrums aren't moving properly, they think it's most likely caused by fluid in her middle ear.  We'll repeat the test in a couple of months (to see if it resolves) and then see an ENT about getting tubes.  Hopefully the timing will all work out such that we can have the hernia repaired and the tubes placed all at the same time, which would be awesome.  So that we great news, but I've got to admit that one one level I'm slightly disappointed that I won't get to see Itty Bitty in itty bitty hearing aids.  I know, I'm crazy, but I was preparing myself to raise a deaf child and getting pretty excited about the challenges.  In the long run, of course, I'm quite thankful that Becca doesn't have yet another set of challenges to overcome.  She's had quite enough, thanks. 

Since we were at Vandy, we got to see some of our nurses!  Hooray!  We had lunch with Leigh and saw Carla up on the unit.  I managed to time Becca's feedings so that each of them gave her a bottle, and we got a break.  Cheeky, eh?  ;)  We also saw our chaplain, Matt, and our last nurse practitioner, Nancy.  It was nice to be back there - and nice to walk out with our baby again.  You can imagine after 4 months in the NICU, we got to know folks pretty well and miss them now that we're home. 

That's all I've got for now.  It's time to wake the baby up to feed her.  And time to pump.  And John's in bed.  This could get interesting!  Wow.  I am undeniably a mom now - when do I grow those extra hands I need?

p.s.  I'll have John post more pics soon.  In the meantime, check out his facebook page for more pictures of Becca than you could possibly have use for...but they are awfully stinkin' cute!

There's no place like...

HOME!

That's right - Becca is home!  We got home with her last night around 7:30.  (Yes, discharge does always take forever!  I kid you not - we were trained on CPR 3 times.  And we are both already certified in infant CPR.  Ugh.)  We didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but thanks to Nana Dana, we are all somewhat rested and very well-fed.  Two home-cooked meals in one day: unheard of!

Someday I'll catch you up on the past month, but for now, enjoy these pictures of our sweet girl AT HOME!

And I'd like to dedicate this post to our FABULOUS primary nurses (in order of sign-up, of course): Millie, Heather, Stacy, Leigh, and Carla.  See, I told you I'd get better at blogging so you wouldn't have to miss Becca too much!