...I know I have been slacking on my blog, even with my promises to my mother, but I can't bring myself to feel bad about it. Because I'm already feeling quite bad on my own. Of course, feeling bad in this case is a good thing, but, wow, I've been feeling b.a.d. Apart from not feeling like sitting in front of the computer and typing, I haven't posted because I don't want to whine (too much), and, well, that's about all I have to say. I feel like shit most of the time, death occasionally and okay every once in a while. Yesterday was horrible - couldn't keep anything down and finally christened the toilets at church with a little (or a lot) of baby-induced vomit - but today has been an okay day. Not good, but okay.
I feel guilty that I'm allowing my physical dis-ease to color my life so much; I mean I'm supposed to be overwhelmingly joyful. I'm finally pregnant, after all! Wohoo! That's awesome! And great! And wonderful! But it's hard to think about all that when you're working really, really hard to figure out a way to get out of bed without losing the midnight snack you had to eat in order to choke down your nine pills. I know that I am excited and grateful; I just don't feel excited and grateful. I'm trying to get over the guilt associated with that lack of enthusiasm, but, darn, feeling physically bad makes everything seem worse. There have been several days in the past few weeks that I've either had to stay home from work (and in bed), cancel plans and/or *gasp!* cancel Becca's therapy appointment because I couldn't handle leaving the house. It's been pretty bad.
And it hasn't exactly helped my anxiety, as the feeling I most associate with Becca's pregnancy is nausea (and lots of vomiting - remember, I was puking for the entire 7 months). So that has flashed me back into a discouraging place at times. And then the anxiety doesn't exactly help the nausea, either. And so it goes.
But the good news is that the nausea is a little different than in Becca's pregnancy (more overwhelming and incapacitating disgustingness and less vomiting than with Becca), so the good Dr. Sizemore's theory is that we're experiencing normal "placentation" (that would be the formation of the placenta, which controls the hormones that affect the nausea and was "total crap" in Becca's pregnancy, causing her to be Itty Bitty), so maybe everything's going to be normal-ish this time and maybe, possibly, I'll have a more traditional course of morning sickness that ends as we enter the second trimester. Who knows. I know plenty of people with functioning placentas who are sick the entire pregnancy, but maybe at least it'll lighten up. I noticed today that I can get an extraordinary amount of work done on days that I feel halfway human now, which is great, because I got next to nothing done yesterday.
So that's the answer to the, "How are you feeling?" question, which, frankly, I'm sick of answering because then if I happened to possibly be thinking about something other than the fact that I feel like crappola (as my dear dad would say), I am reminded of it and have to explain myself (to varying degrees, depending on who is doing the asking). But then again, I do love a good pity party every now and then, so sometimes I like the chance to whine.
Okay, end of sob story. Which is actually a happy story. But you know what I mean. (If you don't reread the above paragraphs until you get it. If you don't get, shove off. I'm hormonal.)
On to the technical stuff - the official due date is set for September 3, 2012. I'll be thrilled if we make it until August. I'll be super thrilled if we make it until August without having to go on bedrest, especially because 3 of my oldest friends in the world are getting married (not to each other) in June and July, and I really, really want to be there. And Becca's first ballet recital is June 23, and I've gotta be there, right? So, yeah, pre-eclampsia, back off. I've got a fun summer planned. And you're not invited.
Anyway, that makes me 10 weeks pregnant tomorrow (which, incidentally, is when the pregnancy hormone levels peak, so theoretically if I AM having a typical course of morning sickness (which we know is all day sickness), it should start to abate in the coming days and weeks). The babe is somewhere between the size of a kidney bean and...small plum, according to my pregnancy book. I don't think I've ever seen a plum that is anywhere close to the size of a kidney bean, but whatever. Maybe it's a teeny, shiveled organic plum that cost 3 times as much as the genetically-engineered stock I would buy if I ever bought plums. I think the "official" length as of tomorrow is just over an inch. What the hell kind of plum would that be? Save your money and get a decent-sized plum in a few weeks.
We have our first appointment with the maternal-fetal specialists on Monday. We've going with the Vandy MFM (maternal-fetal medicine - learn the acronymn now because I'm about to be too lazy to type it out) because, even though there are other doctors that are closer and much easier to deal with, logistics-wise, if this baby is born early, we want him/her to be born at Vanderbilt, whose NICU is ranked in or near the top ten in the country (depending on the year). There are other Level III NICU's in town, and we have friend who have had positive experiences at each of them, but the sickest kids always get transferred to Vandy anyway, so why not start there? Besides, we still have some of "our people" there. I want to be among my people. So we'll deal with their obnoxious schedules and long waits. On Monday, we'll have another ultrasound and see Dr. Carpenter, who is one of our favorites in the group. Way back when I started trying to get pregnant, she was enrolling patients in a pre-e study. I'm guessing the study might have already been concluded, but still, it's nice to know she really is on the cutting edge of research in the area. I feel good about seeing her.
We go back to Dr. Sizemore on Wednesday for another ultrasound and brief appointment. All my labs have come back normal, including the protein levels from the oh-so-fun 24-hour urine collection. Delish. So we've got normal baselines for everything. Even my blood pressure is behaving; at the pulmonologist today (routine appointment; all is well), it was something crazy-normal like 116/72. Suh-weet!
I think that's all I've got on the baby front. I'm going to try to continue to stare at the screen and pound out a few Becca posts so that you know she is still alive and well and as sassified as ever. No promises, though. But it helps that the office is right across from the bathroom.
And I'll leave you with that image.