Decisions, Decisions...

I seem to be, um, starting a cycle on my own, which is kind of awesome because, hey, maybe my ovaries do remember how to work without the drugs, but still kind of sucks because, wow, wouldn't it have been cool if we were one of those very, very, very, very, very rare couples that you always hear about who get pregnant right after they stop trying? but we're not.

So now I've got some decisions to make.  And I say "I" because John is good with whatever course of action I'm willing to pursue.  We could see the doc ASAP, grab some meds, maybe do another cycle of IUI.  I could get a fancy (several hundred $) fertility monitor that *might* work for tracking my cycles and see if we just time things right if something might take.  We could suck it up and dole out the cash and see a reproductive endocrinologist (the infertility specialist for which we have no insurance coverage).  Or we could let it go and pursue growing our family through adoption (which, as it turns out, is not typically that much easier, smoother or financially cheaper than the expensive fertility treatments).  Or we could just call it quits and be "one and done." 

It's hard to know what to do.  Mary Chapin Carpenter's got a line that I love - don't even remember the name of the song, might be "Quittin' Time," but the line is that "it's so hard quitting when it's quittin' time."  Even if you were ready to quit before (and I definitely was!), it's really hard to quit something you want/love badly when the time actually comes around to quit.  In this case, I don't know if I'm having a hard time letting go because I'm not really ready to or if I'm just holding on because it's so hard quitting when it's quittin' time.

It probably doesn't help that this is all happening while my lungs are misbehaving so I'm on a week-long pulse of oral steroids that have acting crazy.  I'm nutty.  Much like on Clomid, but with waaaaay more energy.  Interestingly, I haven't had a huge appetite like most folks do when they are on steroids.  My mother-in-law, who has been on steroids forever, it seems (I'm sure to her!), told me once that they make most people so ravenous that as you are finishing one snack/meal/etc., you are immediately thinking about what you are going to eat next.  I, on the other hand and in totally uncharacteristic fashion, have had less of an appetite...so I'm thinking that maybe what I need is to be on steroids all the time.  More energy, less appetite is a good deal.  Except that I'm nutty.  Like nutty nutty.  Which made a 3-hour worship planning meeting interesting for everyone today.  So maybe keep the steroids to the weekend.  And after I've figured out what we're going to do with our family.  'Cause wow - steroids AND fertility treatments?  Pretty sure our house would explode.  Big explode.

Developmental Update

Okay, I know I've been slacking on giving you actual information about our rock star preemie.  We've had a lot of assessments and change over the past several months as Becca turned 3, so let's rewind back to the spring, as we approached her birthday.

Becca received Early Intervention services from the time she came home from the NICU to her third birthday, and they made a TREMENDOUS impact of her development and our understanding of the ways we could encourage her to meet her milestones, albeit at her own pace.  Early Intervention is a federally-mandated, state-sponsored program, and it is worth every penny our taxes put towards it (and could use a lot more pennies thrown that direction).  Without it, Becca never would have made the progress she has made, and it's even more important to other kids whose parents aren't able or willing to go to advocate and care for them the (very difficult) way that kids with special needs require, because the Early Interventionists are able to (somewhat) step into that role and equip parents to, well, parent better.  So, we are fans of Early Intervention.

But once you turn 3, if you require "services" (therapy and/or special instruction), you are the responsibility of the public school system.  So beginning in January, we began transition meetings with the Williamson County school psychologist.  A few months later, Becca had a whole battery of assessments: one morning the psychologist and the speech therapist double-teamed; another morning the physical therapist and the occupational therapist worked with her.  We then had several meetings with me and John (and Becca), the psychologist, an OT, a PT, a SLP (speech/language pathologist), an early childhood special education teacher, and either the school principal or assistant principal.  These meetings were...difficult.  And at times, not-so-professional.  And definitely not family-friendly (like most everything in Early Intervention is designed to be), meaning that everything was at their convenience, on their schedule (or re-schedule), and flexible only on our end.  We even had to pull Becca out of therapy one morning to have a meeting about how Becca needs therapy.  Ridiculous.  BUT - in the end, we were (and are) VERY happy with the Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) that we have in place for Becca.  Here's what it includes:

• Physical therapy:  Becca's biggest area of delay continues to be gross motor (motor skills that use the big muscles, like walking, running, jumping, climbing, etc.).  At her assessment, Becca was 34 months old, and she scored 20 months in this area, so she obviously need physical therapy, which she will get at school 20 minutes a week.
• Occupational therapy: Occupational therapy mostly works in 2 domains: fine motor and sensory processing.  In her fine motor assessment (again at 34 months), Becca scored 28 months, which is actually considered the very bottom edge of normal, though there's still a delay.  However, we know Becca's sensory processing shows significant dysfunction, as she demonstrates "over-responsiveness to visual, auditory, touch and oral tactile forms of sensory input that impacts her ability to attend to task in busy or noisy environments, impacts her ability to participate in daily functional activities at home and at school, and impacts her readiness to learn;" "sensory seeking with visual, auditory, proprioceptive and vestibular forms of sensory input that also impact her ability to attend to task;" and "decreased perception of proprioceptive and vestibular sensory input.  Combined with her gross motor skill delays, this impacts her balance and coordination along with her higher lever motor planning skills."  The OT's rec?  "Becca needs consultative OT services integrated into the classroom."  Which won her a place in the...
• Early Childhood Special Education classroom:  While Becca was somewhat borderline in whether she qualified for services because of her strengths in the communication and cognitive domains (talkative genius that she is), she qualified for classroom instruction because of the ways that her particular delays impact her ability to access the classroom environment, appropriately attend to task and progress towards kindergarten readiness.  I was really happy that she qualified for classroom services because it is SUCH  a great program, and we L.O.V.E. Ms. Jamie, her teacher.  More on how the classroom program is structure below.
• Transportation to and from school:  Yep, she rides the short bus, and we're so proud of it! 

What it doesn't include:

• Speech therapy: Becca is no longer delayed in her receptive or expressive language.  In fact, at another round of assessment at the NICU follow-up clinic, when Becca was 36 months, she scored 42 months on expressive language.  That's my girl! 
• Feeding therapy:  Because everything done through the school is focused purely on helping the kids success from an educational perspective, they do not provide feeding therapy, I guess because you can be fully tube-fed and still participate in the educational process fully.  Not that it's totally disconnected; the sensory work they do in OT especially can help make progress in her sensory-based feeding issues. 

So, what is Becca's schedule like these days?  Well, on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, she's in school from 8:30-11:30.  They have a morning and afternoon session, and Becca is in the morning session, since she (theoretically) still naps in the afternoon.  (You get to do one or the other.)  Wednesdays, they don't have class so that the teachers and therapists can do assessments and IEP meetings.  On Wednesday, Becca and I head out to her private PT and OT sessions anyway, so that worked out for us.  (But, yes, we are still going to PT, OT and feeding therapies at Vandy in addition to the school therapies.)  It's frustrating that the program schedule is SO not working-parent friendly, and Becca's teacher even said in one of the meetings the she wouldn't have been able to participate in a program like this as a kid because her parents both worked.  But part of that is a function of the community we're in, where there are many families who have one parent stay home with the kiddos - but it's living in this same community that makes being a part of the awesome program possible. 

And the program is awesome.  Half of the kids are on an IEP (a.k.a. have special needs) and half are peer models from the community (a.k.a. normal kids - by the way, it's FREE preschool for these kids, and I don't know why everybody doesn't put their kid in this program, particularly if the schedule does work for your family!).  There are always four adults in the classroom: a teacher, two teacher's aides, and one therapist.  The therapist alternates between speech and occupational because both of those disciplines provide integrated services, meaning that they build the therapy into the classroom program.  (The PT pulls Becca out for her session.  It's have to practice walking on a balance beam, climbing and jumping with 13 other 3-year-olds without it becoming pure chaos!). 

Everything they do in school is coordinated, but in such a way that the kids don't notice or feel confined. They work on 2-week storybook units, meaning that they base their different activities on one book for two weeks.  For example, they have been studying The Kissing Hand, which is a really sweet book about a little raccoon who misses his mommy at school, so she kisses his hand so that he always has her love with him.  So in OT, they stuffed "raccoon tails" (tube socks) with newspaper and painted them.  In art, they made a little raccoon mask.  In dramatic play, they wore their masks and tails and pretended to be raccoons.  Another time in art, they made trees by drawing rectangles for the tree trunk (because the rectangle is the base shape for the letter of the week, which was "F") and glued cotton balls on the top for the leaves (an activity Becca is averse to because it involves getting glue on your hands).  It's just so well thought-out!  So, like I said, it was a little frustrating getting there and working out the scheduling logistics so she can go to school and I can work, but it is so, so, so worth it.

And we're still busy outside of school.  Monday afternoon, she gets a super quick nap/rest time in before we head out to feeding therapy, and on Thursdays (starting this week), we'll go to ballet in the evening.  Add in Wednesday therapies and weight check and the regular Sunday/Wednesday church schedule, and she's one BUSY little girl!  And I'm one tired mama...but, thankfully, we've got a great Team Becca, including SuperDad, her second family (the aforementioned Lovells), and a new SUPER babysitter who - get this - used to play Mickey and Minnie at Disney World.  I mean, really, could you have any better credentials for playing with young kids?  :) 

We're slowly getting adjusted to the new schedule and working out some of the (pretty major) kinks - and relying heavily on the loving hands at church to make this whole mom's a pastor-dad's a pastor-Becca's got special needs charade work.  And after I had to steam clean the youth room carpet after Becca disconnected her tube feeding while "napping" in there while mommy and daddy worked, we're having to think creatively about scheduling.  But we'll get there.  And we're accepting any and all advice.  :) 

Here are some pictures of the big elementary school student!

"Bye bye, Mommy!"

"Tan I go NOW?" 

Time for one more goodbye on her first day

There's the short bus, dropping her off right in front of our house!

So tired after school - "No picture, Mommy!"

Ring Around the Rosie!

I love this video for so many reasons, but the chief one is that you can see Becca's personality so clearly.  The girl owns the room.  Even if the room is outside of Pancho's after trivia.  And even if the crowd is group of people many times her age.  I swear, Becca gets adults to do thing they would never do otherwise.  I mean, I guess if any group of adults would play Ring around the Roses in public, it would be the Lovells and the Prices, but still...if I ever need a raise (which I don't), I think I'm sending Becca to the staff-parish meeting to ask for it.  And so again, I say, this kid will either be president of the United States or a band director.  See for yourself!

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Becca Hill, Minister of Music

Okay, I know I'm going a little video-crazy this week, but I just can't wait to show you this one. John was playing guitar instead of reading books at bedtime, and Becca was WAY into it. Note the guitar on her pajamas - she was totally rocking out on it and then she switched to the xylephone and grabbed her stole. She really wanted that stole to stay diagonal like our music minister Anne's. And that would be "Alleluia," she is screami--I mean--singing. And then she makes her directoral debut...which I happily dedicate to the hand-waving Uncle Doug and Anne Hook!

 

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Stuff I Hear A Lot Addendum

Two I can't believe I forgot:

* Wassat noise? ("What's that noise?" which is not exactly affirming when the "noise" in question is Mommy's singing.)
* Wha happened? (If she gets hurt, if she trips, if she drops something, etc. I think it stems from her lack of bodily awareness - all of a sudden she's on the floor, and she doesn't know how she got there - and it's really adorable, even when she says it through tears.)

And, by request, the translation of "Hodjoooooo!" is, "Hold you!" which actually means, "Hold me!"

Next Time Won't You...?

So we get a little distracted at the end...she's only 3!

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Stuff I Hear a Lot

* What you DOing?
*  Mommy, hodjooooooo!
*  Where ___ go?
*  What's ___ doing?  (And often the ____ is something inanimate, making for some awkward answers.  Ummm...the couch is sitting there?  Your food is waiting for you to eat it?)
*  Hep me!
*  I no want to ____.
*  Where Dam?  (Where's Graham - see Tiny Dancer post)
*  Where we going?
*  Hodjooooo!  (in the car)
*  I no yike ____ .
*  Wader bottle!  Wader bottle!  I need wader bottle!
*  I'ma pick!  (I'm gonna pick!)
*  I need wipe my hands!
*  (If a take a split second to respond to the above statement) Wipe my haaaaaaaands!
*  Dere's da chuch!  (Not that we're there much or anything.)
*  I'm a pincess!  You a pincess, too?  (Only if we are wearing dresses, but every time we wear dresses.)
*  I do bayet!  
*  No, Busser!  No, Sasa!
*  You BAD!  (My least favorite thing to hear.  I leaves me wondering where she learned it.  I'm guessing it was something the kids at school started doing especially since she thinks it's hilarious.)
*  I needa time-out!  (And she's usually right.)
*  Wing around da rosies?
* SCIENCE KID IN DA HO-USE!
And, of course, my favorite * I yub you!