Decisions, Decisions...

I seem to be, um, starting a cycle on my own, which is kind of awesome because, hey, maybe my ovaries do remember how to work without the drugs, but still kind of sucks because, wow, wouldn't it have been cool if we were one of those very, very, very, very, very rare couples that you always hear about who get pregnant right after they stop trying? but we're not.

So now I've got some decisions to make.  And I say "I" because John is good with whatever course of action I'm willing to pursue.  We could see the doc ASAP, grab some meds, maybe do another cycle of IUI.  I could get a fancy (several hundred $) fertility monitor that *might* work for tracking my cycles and see if we just time things right if something might take.  We could suck it up and dole out the cash and see a reproductive endocrinologist (the infertility specialist for which we have no insurance coverage).  Or we could let it go and pursue growing our family through adoption (which, as it turns out, is not typically that much easier, smoother or financially cheaper than the expensive fertility treatments).  Or we could just call it quits and be "one and done." 

It's hard to know what to do.  Mary Chapin Carpenter's got a line that I love - don't even remember the name of the song, might be "Quittin' Time," but the line is that "it's so hard quitting when it's quittin' time."  Even if you were ready to quit before (and I definitely was!), it's really hard to quit something you want/love badly when the time actually comes around to quit.  In this case, I don't know if I'm having a hard time letting go because I'm not really ready to or if I'm just holding on because it's so hard quitting when it's quittin' time.

It probably doesn't help that this is all happening while my lungs are misbehaving so I'm on a week-long pulse of oral steroids that have acting crazy.  I'm nutty.  Much like on Clomid, but with waaaaay more energy.  Interestingly, I haven't had a huge appetite like most folks do when they are on steroids.  My mother-in-law, who has been on steroids forever, it seems (I'm sure to her!), told me once that they make most people so ravenous that as you are finishing one snack/meal/etc., you are immediately thinking about what you are going to eat next.  I, on the other hand and in totally uncharacteristic fashion, have had less of an appetite...so I'm thinking that maybe what I need is to be on steroids all the time.  More energy, less appetite is a good deal.  Except that I'm nutty.  Like nutty nutty.  Which made a 3-hour worship planning meeting interesting for everyone today.  So maybe keep the steroids to the weekend.  And after I've figured out what we're going to do with our family.  'Cause wow - steroids AND fertility treatments?  Pretty sure our house would explode.  Big explode.